This is...

This is...

Thursday, May 27, 2010

My feelings as a Mom...

I sat here this morning with Nate's arm around me. He nuzzled right next to me and tried to get his little arm all the way around my back. He was giggly and looking at all the pictures on the blogs I was reading. At the same time he was not fighting for attention. He was quiet and calm. He was cuddly and warm. He had asked to watch cartoons, but I was postponing plugging him in to steal a few minutes just like that.

It seems like all the blogs have everyone in every picture looking totally put together. They all have great huge smiles and designer clothes. Their houses are all clean. Their kids' faces are clean and their hair is DONE. They all decorate their house like professionals and take the most amazing pictures.

Then, I went through my pictures.
My house is often messy. It is plain and not decorated. Our hair is never done perfectly and we don't all look cute or put together. Our clothes aren't fancy or even in style. My pictures are always blurry.

But, where the art and the dazzle is lacking, I can't help but feel like I am not missing a thing. I want nothing but another year just like this.

In so many of the pictures, my kids have their arms around each other. They are smiling. They are happy. They love each other. We have such great times together. This is the best season of life.

I was talking to my mom, and she told me about one of her favorite pictures. When we were all around my kids' ages, she got a picture taken of us all lined up on a couch. She calls the picture "The end of innocence". We were all happy and young. It was just before we moved to N.J. and she had 5 crazy teenage daughters. The picture was taken when she would think to herself "My kids will NEVER do that...".

She was wrong, and I am sure I will face some pretty tough things in the very near future.

But for just this moment, I am overcome with happiness. I am overcome with gratitude for the comfort in which we live and the sweetness of my children. I am overcome with the feeling that I just want to pause here for a minute. I want to keep my kids at this phase for a while. I just want to enjoy this season of life.
I did enjoy the baby/toddler phase, but I was always looking towards the next milestone. I was always thinking "Oh how nice will it be when we're out of diapers!" or "how nice will it be when they are mobile" or "how nice will it be when they are in school..." etc. Then I blinked, and all three of my kids were independent beings with independent thoughts and ideas about how life should be.

I love how my oldest boy will just hug me in the mornings and tell me he really loves me. He is so sweet and tender. My daughter is the funnest little girl in the world - completely girly - filling her time doing cartwheels, dancing, singing, and changing out her earrings. My baby is in preschool, and growing too quickly. He is hilarious.

Already I feel like they don't really NEED me, but they WANT me to be with them and I know they really do LOVE me. I feel like I have the best kids in the world.
I dont want that to end.

I'm going to blink and they will be teenagers.

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Sun will come out Tomorrow...

On days like today, I have to remind myself that Utah is really not that bad.
I might have woken up, hoping for sunshine. Maybe I imagined that since it is the last week of school, it would be warm and my kids would be able to wear shorts. I dreamt of spending the afternoon in the park.
I woke up and saw this:

Yes, it is May 24th. This is the last week of MAY.

In Arizona, everyone is hot.
In Texas, everyone is hot.
They have been enjoying days using their pools. They are all getting tan.

I keep hearing that Utah is beautiful in the spring and summer.
I am still waiting for said "beauty".
I am still pasty white.
I am still cold.
I am still waiting for the sun to motivate me to work off my "winter pounds".

I got to walk out this morning and scrape several inches of snow off my car.

Out my kitchen window, I normally have this view:
(these photos were taken a few weeks ago)

Beautiful - right? I fell in LOVE with this view. I fell in love with having no back door neighbors so I can see the mountains and valley and lake...

When I was younger, I used to LOVE the mountains. All of my religious beliefs were encompassed in lessons and analogies involving mountains... Don't get me started or else I'll go into some dissertation involving not only things I felt from spending time in mountains, but also from "mountain" analogies using calculus, physics, chemistry, philosophy, scriptures... you name it all the way to books like "Miracle of Forgiveness".

Why did I wake up this morning with the feeling like I am being strangled and cut off by these mountains - rather than enjoying their {previous favorite phrase describing them} ineffable majesty?

Right now, to quote from "BIG RIVER"... "I've been waiting for the light to shine, oh yes I'm waiting for the light to shine. I have lived in the darkness for so long I am waiting for the light to shine!!!"

In all fairness, the sun came out this afternoon. It warmed to nearly 50 degrees. Aaron's baseball game was cancelled, so we went to the batting cages. I had a wonderful afternoon/evening with my sweet children. We are all healthy and happy. There is plenty to be grateful for. Even though there was a blizzard this morning, we were safe and warm in our house/school. The kids have warm jackets. I got my butt out the door and to the gym. All was not completely lost.