random civil war and mom stuff

I just watched a civil war movie. (Glory) I can't stand violence, but i am so intrigued by that period of our history. i think it was because of the trip my family took to gettysburg when i was in 8th grade. I still remember listening to the tapes as we drove around... going to a museum, and playing dead on the rocks. i cant imagine first of all, hand to hand combat - the whole idea of running at someone with a bayonette - and being so completely vulnerable... i just cant comprehend the whole mentality of completely expendable human life. i cant imagine what it must have been like to have to look someone in the eye as you shot them, or got shot yourself... i cant imagine what it might have been like to have to take up arms against a fellow countryman.

anyways, on a lighter note....

i am so glad i get to stay home with my kids. i think it would be a LOT easier if i could just dump them off and go to work somewhere, get noticed, get praised, see quick success, then come home pat them on the head and send them off to bed (like mr. banks' song in mary poppins)
HOWEVER, i would miss the fun. today wasnt the funnest of all the days in the week... it was cleaning day. BUT i did have a lot of time to reflect on the things i get to do with my kids. the times we get to cuddle and watch their shows... the times we read together... the music... the excitement i see as i enter their world.

i think i notice it most from Aaron. he is so visibly thrilled when i sing his silly songs with him, or play jets or play little imagination games with him. perhaps i dont do it enough, because he TOTALLY lights up. i love it. i love my kids. i love their smiles. i just want them to be happy and know that i love them.

my thoughts today basically reflected on the fact that no matter what i do, i wont know wether or not what i am doing (as far as being a mother) is successful until it is too late - 18 years down the road - i wont have the chance to wake up the next day and start again and say "oops i messed that one up, i'll do better tomorrow"
i wont get to rest or feel like my job was well done until they are well adjusted, successful, smart, functioning adults.... AGGGHHH what am i doing? statistically speaking, at least one of my kids will be a total screwup... which one/ones? what can i do to prevent that? anything? i think i am just overwhelmed. i could ramble on forever, but i wont.